November 6, 2009

• Dear Folks,

   Little Christopher at the grave

  I do not see how my wife will manage to pull through and do her academic work due this week.  She has work due each Monday night at midnight.  She has had difficulties in the past, but has always managed to pull through with good quality work in time.  Too, I help her immensely, taking the children load off of her entirely while she stays up all night for several nights in a row, and sleeps during the day. 

  Persimmon Tree in the Military Cemetary

  I seem to have the whole neighborhood of Noori Apartments “fooled” into thinking I am a "fantastic husband."  I do what I can.  And I know I am not perfect, but feel blessed by God to continue living and having a way to serve in love.  The women here soon learned that I was not an adulterer, which is actually odd here in this neighborhood, where the men and women play as adults (in love hotels that are booked by the hour solidly) during the weekday afternoons while their children spend the whole day laboring in schools and then hagwons (private teaching institutes). 

  I seem to have the whole neighborhood of Noori Apartments “fooled” into thinking I am a "fantastic husband."  I do what I can.  And I know I am not perfect, but feel blessed by God to continue living and having a way to serve in love.  The women here soon learned that I was not an adulterer, which is actually odd here in this neighborhood, where the men and women play as adults (in love hotels that are booked by the hour solidly) during the weekday afternoons while their children spend the whole day laboring in schools and then hagwons (private teaching institutes). 

  Going in, to the Military Ceremony

  Paradoxically, I have formed some very close relationships with women here since they have come to trust me eminently.  And why not, as I am very much a worker in the traditional woman's role here, caring for my children.   Their concerns are my concerns.  We easily befriend each other being in the same boat for the love of our children.  Too, most of the residents here have never seen my wife, even though we have lived here for nearly thirteen years. 

  Outside With My Wife

  Loss of a Father:     My father-in-law passed away this past week.  That fundamentally altered the lives of me and my wife.  He was a Buddhist all of his life, while his wife was a Christian who sought his conversion, which she got at his deathbed, when a South Korean missionary came in and read a statement of belief in Christ as the son of God and acceptance as him as one's savior.  He repeated the statements word for word in his native Korean language, confessing his faith in Jesus Christ as his lord and savior. 

  Happy Wife with Youngest Child

  This brought much relief to my wife and her mother, who both loved the man dearly.  I, too, loved him, and cried at his passing when I took my children to pray before the altar where they enshrined his memory in the South Korean fashion.  He told me to call him "Ahp-Bah," ("father" in Korean) upon the unexpected passing of my father a couple of years ago.  He accepted me fully, and loved me voluntarily.   

  At the Apartment Before Heading Out

  The only other time I have cried in my adult life was when I said good-bye to my grandfather fourteen years ago as I headed overseas to serve in South Korea.  He, too, was a preacher, and we shared something very close in that.  He was close to ninety, and I realized I would probably not see him again.  He wholly approved my move to South Korea, and he alone seemed to understand my calling to labor here.  It was plain to him and to me that God wanted me here, and I don’t think anyone else could have understood that at that time.  Now, of course, it seems plain to everyone who knows me, as everything has worked out divinely. 

  

   

  During the Harvest Moon holiday, we went to visit my parents-in-law, and my father-in-law said to my wife that he felt like my son, Jordan, did not like him.  My wife told him, “No, he just does not show his feelings.  In fact, he loves you dearly, as he prayed for you every single night to recover from your cancer and to live a long life.  Apparently, it worked.”  He was very impressed by that, according to her. I also, independently told him of that in the same day, and he asked Jordan whether that was true. 

  

  He who cannot lie:  As with Jordan, who, like my wife, for some quirky reason cannot lie (and sometimes bears an inordinate amount of stress for this inhuman “flaw”), he merely nodded his head “yes,” and my father-in-law fully understood the immensity of his grandson’s love for him.  I believe this drove him to Christ perhaps as strongly as any other single factor.  His wife had badgered him for years, and I must credit that, as much as her methods are loath to me.  This does not mean that I am not a Christian and not a preacher, nor that I do not state plainly my understanding that one gains eternal life solely through faith in Christ.  Only, that my sensibilities about this are quite different from hers.  I believe one plain statement, at least for me, is more powerful than endless less direct attempts, as it seems to me. 

  My father-in-law had an operation for cancer last February, and we all thought he was cured.  His son actually knew that they had not gotten it all, but he lied to the rest of the family and to his father in order that his father might have a happy life for his remaining days and not despair over his impending death.  And that is what happened, with my father-in-law doing an exercise programming, and refraining from smoking and drinking through that year. 

  The surgery cut out some cancer from his stomach and a bit of his liver, but it had actually spread elsewhere.  Lying is common here, which you can see in myriad ways, but is perhaps best documented in "A Country of Liars," from the Chosun Ilbo, an English newspaper here in South Korea, Land of the Morning Calm.

  Morality First:    I teach ESL, but for my clients, ESL is distinctly secondary, as it has happened to transpire.  I meet with mothers before agreeing to a contract.  From the get go, I always made it clear that I understood teaching of morality as more important than teaching ESL. The mothers who hired me have made it equally clear to me that this was precisely what they wanted.  They were more interested in their children acquiring what they understood to be the traditional American moral structure than English as a second language.  To them acquiring greater facility with English was incidental to the more fundamental acquisition of a moral outlook that they felt unavailable to them here, through their almost rabid school system and private teaching system.  

  The Widow

  I was not surprised actually, and too, I was actually somewhat surprised that I was not surprised.  I was made for my job.  I have worked with teens all of my life, as well as teaching some in preschool locations in North Carolina.  The reputation I have built here has centered on this "morality class" assumption, and now that is the primary thing mothers expect from me.  If they solely want ESL, I assume they go elsewhere. 

  

  I have had a loyal following of many siblings and cousins in groups, where families built a tradition of hiring me to teach their children.   Many students have I taught for more than five years in a row.  I love that depth of relationship building in my work.  In fact, my work does not feel like work in the traditional sense, although I pour the love of my life into it without sparing.  I have always followed a knock-off of the Golden Rule, telling myself that I should treat my students as I would want my own children to be treated in each circumstance.  That has enabled me to love them all the more. 

  If Westerners ask, I tell them I teach ESL, which is true but does not give the full picture.  The mothers of my students here know what they want and they rely upon what I give.  Too, they talk now about when I leave and what they will do without me.  It makes me want to stay, among other reasons to stay.  However, I made a promise to my wife when we married that I would move back when the oldest child became of middle school age, as she does not trust South Korean Schools to be able provide an adequate education for her children.

  

  Learning Korean:  Unlike other Westerners here, I learned Korean early on and have built intimate relationships with the mothers of my students.  Korean is actually easy to learn if you just listen to what people say around you, but few foreigners ever learn more than the most basic expressions, and I don't know why that is.  I suppose that they do not love South Korea; I do not suppose that they lack the intellectual capacity to learn Korean.  If there were an evident way to earn more money, or if there were anything morally and culturally rather attractive on the surface to these people, I believe they would far more readily sign up for courses and crack a book on a regular basis. 

  

  Out in the countryside I have once met a young woman from China who came here to marry a farmer.  Talking with her, in a creek while our children played together, was fun.  Her accent was strange, just like mine.  But we knew all the words and phrases we needed to say whatever we wanted.   Poor women come here in droves to marry older farmers and fishermen, who occupy the lower social class of this society, and have much difficulty persuading a South Korean woman to marry them. 

  These people seem to pick up Korean rather easily, I think, because they gave themselves to South Korea without evident restraint.  Other Westerners seem considerably less committed to the people and culture of South Korea, these being largely those who come primarily to teach ESL and enjoy a vacation of a year between undergrad and graduate school, or those who come to reap some of the many grants made available here by the government to lure foreigners to do scientific research and help inadvertently to teach English and proofread the English papers for publishing of South Korean researchers. 

  Better in Death:  This was an upsetting time in the sense that it disturbed our normal routine, but in a way that was lovely.  I cannot say that it has been a difficult time, per se, as most funerals probably are.  He was better off in death than he had been in virtually all of his life, as an alcoholic up until this final year. 

  

  There is joy in our hearts in a way, as he gave a deathbed conversion to Christianity.  He was a Buddhist all of his life, until the end.  My wife and I both cried with unbridled joy.  None of my children seem to have cried much, if any, though.  I suppose they were unable to fully understand the man.  Save the final year of his life, he was an alcoholic throughout his adult life, and he normally became somewhat removed emotionally during each latter part of the two three-day holidays, for the harvest moon holiday and Lunar New Year holiday.  We took only a fifteen-minute subway ride to visit him for a day, but we only went twice a year.  I know he loved them, though.

  Patriots Grove:  I was put off by the indirect suggestion that South Korean women are not recognized for their patriotism on a par with men who served in the military.  My father-in-law got a free place in a military cemetery, for having served twenty years.  As we rode up through the cemetery, I noticed one section reserved for patriots, as indicated by the sign.  I assumed it meant they had served in some especially honorable way, and endured some significant sacrifice, perhaps losing their lives in the process.  

  

  As I understand patriotism to mean acts of sacrifice towards the end of the good of a nation.  South Korea has a very low birthrate, just above one child per woman.  The UN made a statement to the effect that the declining birthrates in developed countries was the most serious problem for mankind to ever encounter (maybe because only womankind can do anything about it with any real confidence and men feel a little out of control… dunno).   Ennei-Wai, I suggest that women who have more than three children be considered patriots, given that more children is arguably the greatest need of our country right now.  They should enjoy the same burial perks, a free spot in the Patriots Grove.   That’s just my two cents worth.  Living with a woman who gave birth to five underscores for me just how much of a sacrifice it is.  You don’t go out to eat and you don’t harbor plans for European vacations or cruises along the Caribbean.

  

  Ponzi Scheme writ large:  From what I understand, unlike the social security systems of Britain and Singapore (where the money the government forces you to save becomes your property and can be added to your will), South Korea and the U.S. operate on a grand Ponzi scheme, wherein the earlier you get in the better, and if you die right at retirement age without any dependents, the promise to pay you money is automatically forfeit.  In order for a Ponzi scheme, we badly need younger workers.  An ageing population spells disaster for a Ponzi scheme. 

  

  South Korean Women Facts:  If memory serves me correctly from reading South Korean news articles, ten years ago, only 13 percent of women age 30 had never married; whereas, that number is now forty percent.   Too, women here earn only 62 percent of what a man of equivalent experience and qualifications earns.  That is a great opportunity for nonsexist companies to hire up a wealth of talent on the cheap, and likely receive great workers who appreciate being paid more than the market divulges. 

  Love, Padooker

  

   

   

  • 11:01 pm
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